| I'm Not Another Stupid LittleTeenage Fucking Whore |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| My last goodbye |
[01 May 2006|09:11am] |
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Taking Back Sunday |
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I look at this black screen wishing I can write down everything that going in my head but I seem to not be able to find the words. I feel myself becoming so drain and that I am not to go with this, that writing was the only thing that made sense to me. Now I feel like its something else I am unable to do.
I made the journal for once reason and that was for my friends, since they all had one and they wanted me to have one as well. now I feel as if that is not the case any more since none of them read it any way and nor do I really care. This journal as just become another depressing memory in my life and something else that I seem to be growing any way from.
Can a person really grow a part from their best friend? A friend is someone you cant go a day with out talking to , the first person you call when something life changing happens to you , a person that house feels as if its your own. That when you were apart from them for a few weeks you can see that person again and talk to them as if the time when you were away was nothing.
I just feel that this is what is happening with me and Angie, that every day is another day that we are growing a part and that we are no longer best friend any more. I hate it so much. We were arguing last night and the words she told were hurt me so bad because I knew they were true. How I don’t know her any more nor do I know what is going on in her life.
How can things so much in a year, which we used to be able to not go a day talking on the phone, texting or Iming each other. Where when I Brooklyn I used to live at her house every week, because her house felt more like home to me then my mom’s house did. Now I feel as if I can’t even talk to her. What kind of friendship is this?
I wish I can blame someone else for this but its not, its not no one else fault but my own, and maybe I just gave up on this friendship. That I did not put the effort into this friendship as I should, that I should have called her or something. It would be to ease to say that, “oh she doesn’t care about me since she has Tristin in her life” but that would be so false. I am glad she has Tristin in her life because if she didn’t she would be lonely and I would hate for that. At least Tristin makes tome for a friendship that I was unable to do.
Maybe thing will be so much better once school is done and I can see her during the summer. I will only be working one job and that’s it.
I am going to end this entry and it being my last LJ one, I am moving my journal over to Greatestjournal. Read the Tale of My Desire
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7 | Can you even hear me?
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| And I can't let you, let me down again |
[24 Mar 2006|04:10pm] |
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music |
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No music cause opie didnt give me his mp3 |
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All my days seem to be crashing into on. I can’t wait until spring break where I can find my days sleeping into noon or until I have to get up. So much has happen since my last up date I never know where to begin. I pass all my mid terms and I see my grades going well. I though I will be running myself into a ground by working 3 jobs but all that happen was my time at the station just seems to be lowering. The only reason I was at the station more lat semester was cause of Tamara and the semester before that was because of Tim.
Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.
Again I don’t know where this update is going. I always seem to find myself writing in here so people can see what is wrong with me. Well my friends but it kind of sucks when I though one of my best friend will always be there for me , but then I find out she was only a two face and is nothing more to me then a bitch. I seem to be always finding friends like that. Who only look out for themselves and always seem to talk shit behind my back. That is life isn’t it. I was always told you can’t trust any one, but I always seem to find myself having faith in people but that isn’t true is it. That people only look out for themselves and don’t give a shit about you.
I am just stick and tried of childish high school drama. I though I gave them shit up when I stop hanging out with Staten Island girls, but of course that is not the case. Every one seems to find themselves falling into the trap of drama, when it is so unnecessary. I mean why people always have to talk shit. It just gets them into trouble and when you are suppose to be someone best friend , why do you have to keep secrets , especially when you know that will only hurt the friend. Then try to cover up the secret with retard lies. That never seems to work cause you always find yourself trap.
we are all suppose to be college student , adults why is it so hard to act like that and when you have something to say , say it to my face and don’t try to go behind my back because one way or another I always find out.
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield
I AM SEEING AIDEN TODAY!!
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1 | Can you even hear me?
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| Why are you running away? |
[10 Mar 2006|04:18pm] |
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Hoobastank |
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Don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
I am tried of caring because when you have emotion towards someone it only ends up in a fucking mess because you didn’t end up sending too much times paying attention to them. Its like a game, my life is a game and I always feel as if I am on the losing side. This is an on going thing , me always ending up on this journal expressing how my life doesn’t make sense and how depress I am feeling . it gets me no one because when someone reads it they don’t seem to care or express ant emotion towards me that they show some interest as to what is wrong with me or why I am likes this.
I was always told I am running, running always from my emotion , but why cant I every time I seem to get close to someone they do something to make me retract my feeling towards them so I leave. Someone always ends up getting hurt in the end. So I leave before teat person is my self.
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
You tell me I make you feel invisible. I don’t know how I do this , you tell me I am missing what is obvious , but all I see is that you are just like me . That you don’t ever tell me what is bothering and every time I do something wrong you pull away before I could ever fix it. When I tried to call you, you only end up hanging the phone up on me and you know how much I hate that. I though we were good and things were going great but apparently I was the one who was wrong and I seem to have messed it up but not paying attention top you when I should have . To me this just seems like a childish game that I don’t want any part in. I am through playing games , all I want is the truth from you, but that is too much to ask , we been though this discussion so many times I don’t know how to tell you any louder for you to tell me how you are feeling. I just wish it was done with. That if we really are suppose to be together that we can get through this and work this out but it all seem to be pulling part. So when you read this , just write me something back that tell me what you want because as you told me before I seem to miss the obvious.
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?
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Can you even hear me?
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| I'm better off alone |
[03 Mar 2006|04:18pm] |
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Bedlight for BlueEyes |
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I never looked back
Cross my heart and hope to die
I am so bored out of my mind right now. if I would have updated this last night like I wanted to , you would have heard a so much depressing thing come out , but after talking to a good friend last night I believe myself to be sane again.
I got last night so many thing hint me and I didn’t know how to take it so I got pissed off and upset . when you bottle everything up it soon just exposed on you.. I still don’t know what I was really upset about. I believed myself to be happy again and not so depress but that never last long when it comes to me. Why can’t I let myself be happy? is the question I always ask myself and I still not what the answer to be.
I guess I just had a real shitty week starting off on Monday when my boss was being horrible to me , making me feel like shit but I am use to that when it comes to that job , I guess she just took too far I though.
Tuesday I got the most horrible news I could. I found out the person I once though to be like a friend, a person I though would always care, but it turns he was just a two face fraud. I took it really bad, that the person that would always be in my corner that wrote the song that expresses every emotion I feel. That could always make me smile, it turns out everything about him was wrong and he doesn’t give two shit about any one but him self. That he was just wearing a mask that fooled all of us.
After that I felt that if he was a lie what else could be . I felt my self closing off myself once more and pushing more and more people away. I stop talking to my friend Andre just a few” hi” and “ never much” comes from am IM box from me.. I guess I felt that was all I can give he wanted something from me that I don’t even have. He thinks I am someone different and I am just not the person he wants me to be. So I pushed him always and I felt horrible about it. He has been nothing but sweet to be and all I have been was a bitch. I keep thinking to myself why did he have to messing by telling me he liked me like that. We could still be good friends now. I guess once someone exposes that feeling towards me of “liking” I just shut down. I still don’t know why I am such a close off person.
Maybe I should just change who I am completely and go back to my old ways of partying. I should go to a way of a New York party chick that wears low cut shirts and short skirts. I can drink all night and go to any random guy that will take me home. To my luck it will end up being that guy that murder women and leaves them on high way roads. But to think then will I end up feeling something, when there a knife stabs through my heart. Then maybe finally this numb feeling will disappear.
God I miss nelson, he was the one guy that didn’t take with my bullshit about being so closed off and he was the one guy that I knew could understand me.
No matter what I say, no matter what I write here,
I'm sick of always looking at this page with a blank stare
You never seem to know, and they never seem to tell you
Words don't always come as easily as you might want them to
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Can you even hear me?
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| drama never ends |
[17 Feb 2006|03:46pm] |
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Matchbook Roamance~ Fiction |
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Last weeks update was about how my whole life was back into order and for once I was not depress in my life but maybe I spoken to soon. I am not saying now I am depress , that isn’t it , but I am saying how I though my life was drama free, that is where is goes wrong.
When I go to school at CSI, another high school basically where people always have to start some kind of shit for no specific reason. I am just writing this because maybe I have a lot going on in my head and this is the only way I can get it up , cause yea I cant seem to talk about anything any more without it all going wrong ,
I guess I should really start from the beginning. I started hanging out with a different group of people from this magazine at my school , because I wanted to join it . There were two guys that I started to talk to on an every day basic. One was name Shawn ( haha Angie loves the name ) and the other was Andrew, Andrew walked me home a few times and Shawn I would usually talk to him online about music and his problem he would have with girls.
Last Tuesday, he asked me if I had a crush on him because yea I am a flirt but I told him that just the way , I am and I didn’t mean to lead him to believe anything and that I just wanted to be friends with him . He just wanted to make sure cause Andrew liked me, the next day I meet up with Shawn to take the bus back to Brooklyn but after we got to the loop bus and I ran into my friend Dani , I started to talk to her about the Mest show from the night before Shawn the told me he had stuff to do at school and went back to the Campus Center . I didn’t think much of it. When I ran into him at school the next day he told me the reason he left was because I was talking to my friend Dani and not to him. I couldn’t’ believe now immature he was, so I just shrug him off. I just believe something like that was just so dumb it didn’t deserve an answer.
The following week , Shawn was telling me how he think he likes me but after the week before with the whole Andrew thing , that he would be telling me this , the next day he asked me out . I asked him, why you are asking me out when he knows his friend likes me. He later told that he didn’t think Andrew still liked me and that he didn’t even make a move on me, that it was only a friendly gesture. I just though that was so wrong, that you don’t go after the girl your friend likes, that just makes you a really messed up friend. I guess this shows me the kind of guy he is.
There is a little more to this situation that I really don’t want to type cause I don’t want to hurt a person that I know that read this but I guess I have to get it out here soon or later cause he once told me , he wanted to know if anything happens. I also can’t hide anything from him.
Last night after Andrew walked me home we stood on my stoop for an couple of hours just talking, and during that time we kissed. we later got in to an conversation about me being with him , I told him that I don’t really have feeling for him but it also got into this conversation about him I really have no feeling towards guys cause I never let anyone into have feeling for them. I told him that I was also seeing someone else. He believes that he can change me that he can show me that not all guys are asshole, that he would be very loyal to me, that I was just scared.
All I have to say so what if I am scared I have seem so much shit happen to me and my friend that I know how guys are and for now I am not ready to get into any type of relation with any guy now . I just wish he would understand. I later told him that it was a mistake to kiss him. I guess it because I later really rejected it cause of the person I am seeing now. I really don’t want to hurt him. All my friends tell him how he is the perfect guy fro him and I should just settle down with him. I mean we are pretty much a couple just with out the title and I guess it is working out find for me, just that the title of “ girl friend” and “ boyfriend” seems to just freak me out . I hope when he reads this he is not upset with me that I didn’t tell him right away. I guess this si the best way I could tell him.
I better get back to my home work. I have little less then two hours at work, and then I am heading to my brother house to cat sit.
NEW MATCHBOOK ALBUM ROCKS, ALL SHOULD GET IT!!!
The best is when you say the worst is over
It's like saying we had luck with a three leaf clover
And you kept saying that over and over
And I still catch you looking over your shoulder
And it's okay, I know the only times you really loved me
Were the times when you weren't sober
And that hurts
We all hurt
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Can you even hear me?
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| The Poor Groom's Bride is a Whore... |
[10 Feb 2006|04:11pm] |
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Panic! at the Disco |
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I just though maybe it was about time that I update thing with out putting pictures up. I don’t know what to really say with what is going on in my life. I guess you can say my life is going good, beside the fact that I maybe running myself into the ground working 32 hours a week and going to school full time. I guess we will see how that goes since it is only the second week of school. I am still doing fine.
I am so shock that I don’t have any drama to update about, that for once in my life I don’t seem to have anything going wrong. Weird huh?
Thing week has been a crazy week, with the Mest last concert that was Tuesday, P!ATD, and TAI signing at the Virgin, on Wednesday, and I have Senses Fail , coming up this Saturday.
Mest , I had a feeling wasn’t going to happen, but by some miracle we manger to get there, thanks to Erica and her mom. The Mest trip was suppose to be me, Erica, Sam, and Jackie. It didn’t turn out that way since Sam had to go to an interview that day and Jackie couldn’t get the car and ether one of them wanted to take Public Transportation. I think they are both scared of the bus. Erica got her mom to takes us both to and from the concert , but by the time we found this out Sam was on her way home and Jackie pass out, so we gave the other ticket to Erica’s sister and we sold Sam to some random guy for 15 dollars. The show was amazing , I got some great photos , but it sucks cause during the Allister performance Erica hurt her arm really bandy in the pit , so she had to be taken out but that lucky bitch got to stand side stage , well me and her sister was going crazy in the pit . After the show I got to talk to and get a set list from him. Then I went with Greg and hung out by there bus until they came out and greeted there fans,
The next day was P!ATD and TAI signing at the Vigrin . the signing didn’t begin to 4 pm so I got there 230 just in case of it getting really crazy , but when I went into the Café there were 20 kids there so I was like fuck it and went to get food while I waited for Nancy to get here ass there , when I got back there was a line to the end of the block, I had no idea where all theses kids came from so I went back into the Café and I was told that I didn’t have to wait outside , they just wanted to. So I hung inside with a group of kids making fun of all the loser outside, finally Nancy got her ass there at 330, and we took out places at the front of the gate . as soon as we did that , a guard was telling us we had to go back outside , but we manger to argue our way and we got to stay in but about half the kids that was with us got kick out. I swear if you would have saw the kids that were there for the show you would have though you were at a SP show cause there were fucking parent there. I could not believe what the music scene was turning into, there were screaming fans. I just wanted to short myself for a few seconds. As the show started TAI was just to go on playing 3 songs , I got a pick from William and then I push my way out of the kids to go to the signing were I got a picture with William was well .
Then came the time for Nancy and I to push out way back up to where we were in the front, we left “ Hi” Chris there to save our stops , we manger to get back into a better stop , then we had before. P!ATD came on and the screaming kids went on for about a minute, it was so sad . They played two songs, and then it was the signing. I wasn’t able to get a picture with them like I did TAI because they were too many kids afterwards we headed over to the show to try and get tickets but no one had and there was this scalper selling fake tickets. It was so bad. The show was harder to get into them William Beckett tight girls jeans. We hung by the side door for about an half an hour and we got to meet them . we got one group picture with them before there manger shoved them into the venue. It was great.
After the show I was suppose to head over to a show with Angie but we never got to meet up so I went home to warp Opie gift with Mest sticker and got to watch a movie with my dad.
On Thursday Opie took me out for Valentine’s day , we stood in my neighbor hood because it rocks harder then yours. We went to a movie at the Pavilion Theater to see “When Stranger Call” that movie was bad to an extent but also creepy because sadly that shit does happen. Then we went to a restaurant nearby called Circles. It a really nice place, with gay waiter. That say “good evening ladies” so yea my date was a girl. Afterwards we headed back to my place where I opened my gift. He made me a builder bear ... well it was rocker money with converse snickers and a hoodie. It was so cutie (yea I know I am sounding like a girl) he also gave me some chocolate that my mom wanted to eat. So when I get home today I know my chocolate will be all gone. When my mom saw the gift, she keep going on and on about how he loves me . I am not sure who is worse when it comes to that her to Brigitte, I am going to have to kill one of the,
I cant wait till tomorrow I am still unsure of the plan but so far it goes. we are meeting up at Angie’s house at 2 pm and her mom is taking us to the show its me , Kristine , her and maybe Nancy if she doesn’t have to work. We get there at 5 pm and merch out the venue and chill around till 630 when doors open for the show. Its going to be so great. If Angie’ mom cant take us , I think I can get my friend Jackie to drive us there which will be great as well , cause Jackie owe me from Mest . we will see how that goes.
Well I think maybe I should get back to my Ant reading , I still have another hour and half of this job, then I head to head over to stop and shop and work till 11, buts its all good cause I am working with Jackie and the time pretty much goes by pretty fast.
Pictures in next update look forward to it
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Can you even hear me?
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| Kristine Dye job |
[02 Jan 2006|11:46pm] |
Since I just got myself a digital camera I might take a try on doing a photo journal since I pretty much gave up on my LJ. A couple of my other friends do it, so I am going to try it as well. Here are some photos chilling out.
( You look so good in blue )
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Can you even hear me?
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[22 Dec 2005|12:07pm] |
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From First to Last ~ Secerts don't make friends |
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I am so bored out of my mind right now. I am stuck here at work for another hour and there nothing to do. Jessica just left me so she can go take her final. I am here checking out myspace and I am starting to loss interest in it. That what I do I tend to loss interest in thing pretty fast like I did with this.
School is over with I got one of my grades today. I got an A- in my social work class. I also find out last night that I passed the CPE. Whoo, now I am able to get my associated. Now I am waiting for my sociology teacher to email me back and my French teacher to post the grades.
God I never knew how boring my life can be when I am not at school. It’s pretty sad. I guess that is why I had such a boring summer. Also with the MTA strike going on I have no way of getting around, but I am lucky I have friends that drive. I was able to get a ride into Brooklyn last night so I could see my friend Nancy last Christmas show. It was a good show. We were holding up a sign that said “ we heart Nancy bunny” causing her to turn beet red and the chorus teacher giving me dirty looks and telling me a I better behavior. Also when Chris was performing we were holding up a signs that says “ we heart hi Chris” the sign districted him so much he forgot what song he was playing. We were so cool we took photos in the bathroom and by the “rocker stairs” to remember the olds days at fort.
This past weekend was great. I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. I got into the most retarded fight ever with the guy I was seeing. It ended up with us both parting ways upset. The really don’t know how the fight got to that point. I guess it was because u was just acting dumb and telling him stupid shit that he took too serious. I guess I am not use to people actually lesion to make I say and actually taking it to heart. I guess the thing that really hurt me that I never expected him to walk away. My friend Jessica keep telling me to let him in and to get close to him and when I was starting to I pull something like this. Pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone. The worse part of this is that he lessens I don’t know how this can work. We are both the kind f people that retract from our feeling. That runs away when we get close to someone. Ether one of us know how to really express the feeling we have for each other. I can’t even tell him how I feel. I am always resort back to my LJ showing him when I update so he knows where I stand with him.
As my friend Ralph was telling me, relationships are hard work. The point is that am I willing to work for it. I guess I am so use and comfortable with the signal life do I really want to change it. But now the question lays on me , is how do I feel for him and should I lead him on when I don’t even know if there is a future with us. I guess that question will be answer next time.
Happy Holidays everyone
Happy New Years, baby
You owe me
The best gift I will ever ask for
Don't call me up, when the snow comes down
Its the only thing I want this year
One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less
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5 | Can you even hear me?
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[15 Dec 2005|10:59am] |
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Frrom First to Last ~ Emily ( yea yea i got there cd and wha |
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I haven’t had time to update this in a while but now that school is wrapping up. I feel like I can have the time to do this.
What has happen in my life, there has been many changes and sadly I feel like I am getting attach to someone that recently enter my life. I am not used to this, feeling the need to talk to someone, everyday and when I don’t. I feel upset about it. I hate them way I am getting depended on him, which I would end up talking about him with my friends most of the time. My friend Jessica keeps telling me it’s good that I have someone in my life now that I can depend on. That I should at least give this relationship a try and not always run away like I usually do. The points is that is what I do run away before anyone gets hurt, sadly I feel like that the best thing for me now. It would just be an easy break.. my friend Sam was telling me if this is how I feel then why I am leading him on , but the point is that I am not , I told him how I was, but that doesn’t changed the feeling him may have for me. I just don’t see why any one would feel anything so strong for me. I am just not use to this, I guess.
Last week I ended up meeting another guy at my school, his name was Andean and kind of hint it off right away, but I pulled away from him cause of the other guy I was with. I really felt that it was unfair for him that I was seeing another guy behind his back. I know that he and I weren’t official going on. It just still felt wrong to me. So I ended what ever thing Andean and I had.
I also felt that Andrea wanted thing to happen behind us so fast, that he wanted to see me every day and message me and myspace just to tell me he woke up in the morning. Thing like that was really creepy me out that I felt as if I was being suffocated by him so I ran. I don’t know if I did it in the best. That I felt like I hurt but I had to tell him the truth on the situation. I guess we ended thing off, with being friends. I am not sure if that what he wants, but that all I can see happening with us. He is a really sweet guy, just not someone I could see myself with or ever could peruse anything with.
With the year ending I felt that this has been one of the years where everything ended differently. I wasn’t the same person I was one I started this year, but then again is any one really the same. I just hope that the changed I made was for the better.
The thing in my life that would never changed is the greats friend I have , the people I know that will always be there to catch me as a fall. I love you always Angie and Kristine. This year would not have been the same if I didn’t have both of you guys in my life.
As for now I better start studying for my last final. Then off to see my friend Mike Smith band before, Perfect Sin with Kristine, and Christina at Arleen’s Grocery.
It's amazing what you'll find when you just open your eyes
Sometimes love can leave you blind
But still you try to cover all the lies
And ignore all the signs
What I thought was a certainty
Has left me
Spinning in circles again
Comparing to the last time that we had spoke
It seems to me that you're not happy
Like you used to be
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Can you even hear me?
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[14 Nov 2005|06:45pm] |
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matchbook roamance |
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Let's start out by starting over.
What did I expect?
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks.
But you're so untouchable.
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.
I should be doing so many things right now, but my mind keeps sending me to other places and other events of my life. I seem to find my self drifting away from so many things in my life. I can’t keep my focus on anything. I see my self as if I am in one of those cheesy teenager drams that you would see on Fox.
I through when I hit this age that I rather not speak that my childish dram would float away with it, but it seems to have only brought so much more into the picture.
Should I talk about my unhappy birthday, or should I skip, having told my friends of this so many times. But I see as I don’t wont to do the other thing on my to do list that only seems to be growing with each passing day. I should just keep on taping this.
unhappy birthday/ Charles
I believe my birthday was a little over a week ago. I never seem to recall the day of the week no more. I was happy that I was going to be spending the day with a group of my friends having such a stressful week with taking the CPE, the most horror test. I would having a day of fun but the day of fun was not really so great, having friend I really wanted to be there not come or have to leave early. As we finally meet up with everyone. The crowed around me seem to be getting more and more drunk which started to get me to feel more and more out of place and a little annoyed, especially with Charles.
The story behind Charles is that I had started to date him the week before my birthday after the Hidden Shadows party but with my stressful week I had gave him the cold shoulder, which was my fault, but I had explain to him that I get like that when there are a lot of thing in my life. I guess since I was being cold to him, he would find someone else to warm up too and he didn’t waste any time he was all over one of my friend Kristine friend. In which he ended up hooking up with her towards the end of the night. This little event kind of left me feeling a little alone and un wanted on my birthday, but I don’t see why I should have let something like that ruin my birthday but it did and I don’t know why I let it get to me so badly and I hate myself for letting myself get caught up in my emotion like that, just by letting it control me.
A couple of days after my birthday I spoken to Charles and he was explaining himself for the reason why he acted that way. Let just say he wasn’t really blaming himself but the liquor that was inside him. “ I was drunk” an excuses like that never fli3es with me , yea so you were drunk that doesn’t mean a thing ,when a person is drunk they usually do what they want and say what they want more. It just showed me he really wanted her and not me. He tried to fix the problems by saying he was sorry about million times but not once did it get into my head. I just don’t understand how people think that a word as sorry will fix any the action that a person did and the pain it has caused a person but it doesn’t fix a thing, sometimes it just makes it worse. He told me a few days ago that he would quit drinking for me and that he really cares about me and wants to be with me. I want so badly to believe him. He tells me words I always wanted to hear, that he should show me that he was a different, that he doesn’t want sex, but all his words are meaningless because his action show me something different. Especially for the fact, the day before he was trying to get back with me, he was out with that girl and that he even tried to kiss her. God he is just a typically guy that talks and thinks with his dick. I just wish there was a way I can tell if a guy is really sincere or just a bullshit, cause from where I am standing they all seem to be bullshiters.
I actually met a guy at Hidden Shadows party that seem to be a really nice guy, he names is Jose. I been talking to him online and hang out with him a couple of times with my friend jess since she likes his friend Phil. He just seems that he doesn’t want me for sex or nothing like that and just maybe wants a girl friend that is a friend, but I am not sure if that what I want. I mean when I hung out with me alone he didn’t even try to kiss me, he tells me that he really likes me and he could tell I kind of like him as well. I guess he doesn’t know what he wants or that maybe he isn’t really for it. It just something I never dealt with before, a guy that actually wants something different from the usually sex. I am unsure if I should let myself fall for him, because I don’t even know what I am in for. It was nice that he took me all the way back to Staten Island and when we were on the ferry we looked up at the stars as he held me. I haven’t had that for such a long time and I missed it. I guess I just miss being wanted.
I don’t even know what I am writing about any more or what I want. I just really needed to clear my head and I am not even sure if typing this did that, but I had to get it out. Well I am ending this endless childish update because I should be studying for my French homework. Until next time
Au revoir
lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me anything, anything to keep me breathing
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6 | Can you even hear me?
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[16 Oct 2005|11:10pm] |
How I uses to write in this almost once a week not I cant even find the time to sit at a computer and type this out. Right now is where I should be studying but my mind seems to be all over the place with un happy thoughts, making me wish I was in a Tim Button movie instead of this life. Things that once made me happy and smiles seems to be slowly fading away. A phone call that you always new you could count on inst there any more and do I seem to even care. I guess not. I guess that was the times are changing so am I , but the question that is hanging in my head is the changed a positive one or not.
My heart uses to always jump when I would count down the days to a silly concert and smile and look forward to day at FUSE where I would be meeting the people that would sing to sleep.
I still act as if that is what really going on in my head telling my best friend that “ yay sense fail in 8 days” but really I don’t care any more . I don’t care if I go to the show or not because it doesn’t seem to be so important any more. I guess playing that off in my mind would have been just a dumb reason to talk to her. A silly excuse to call my best friend is what I seem to need now days. But that is not whets bothering me I guess I call point the finger at her and blame her from the depressing through in my head but I would only be lying to my self and make her feel bad.
When you grow up you become depress its just a natural way of life that you are leaving all you childish dreams behind and releasing I am not a kid. I have to stand up and tale my place in the world. I guess you have to start to think like that when your mother asking you to pay rent and every thing in your mid is worth related.
I just hate the way I have so many negative feeling and most of them is toward myself. thinking that why do I not have my life in order and why am I not doing thing to the level I am suppose to be doing them on . Why do I have my mind forces on someone that I know will never want me? They would just tell you how they will end up hurting you in the end. That they will always be there for you and hurt who ever causes you pain. My through were, you ever able to hurt yourself, because he was the only reason for my pain. He was the one that was hurting me.
Yes of course there always has to be a guy because only a male can make some one feel so shitty and like they would give a fuck. I have guys telling me how great I am and how they like me. But its funny how none of them can be with me. Why do I focus so much of my energy of things that are so not worth my time? On guys that can give two shits if I am alive or dead. they can so easy walk into a store that you work at and not even give a look your way when you are standing right across from them and all you are thinking is “ just give me one look “ but they was too hard and to much too ask for . They can should find the time to shove there tongue down your throat , but not enough to look at you .
I guess am jut writing this out to vent my feeling but sadly this isn’t helping me as once as it uses to , I guess another thing I uses to always count on was a silly note book or journal that can make me smile . Isn’t doing its job any more. How I fill the pages of my not book with dumb songs and poems I write all seems to be forces on a dumb idea of love and loss. Of heart break and pain. It just seems to all loss meaning as my pen works it magic on the paper. As my fingers work on the key board I am not sure if this is making any sense. So maybe I should end this now, before I give any one more of a head ach for reading this. But I am sure no one is reading this . they will be skimming along the entry looking for their name in here to see if its about them. So I close this with a dumb song….
i'll grow old
start acting my age
ill be a brand new day in a life that you hate
a crown of gold
a heart thats harder than stone
and it hurts a whole lot
but its missed when its gone /center>
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3 | Can you even hear me?
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[19 Sep 2005|05:33pm] |
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music |
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sliverstein~ smile when you sleep |
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I use to be a person that always wanted to be loved by everyone, but as my life went on, I have learned I can’t please everyone. I can’t be accepted everyone. All I have to do is be accepted by myself. I have soon grown a part from people I once though were my friend but all I have learned is that they weren’t always there for me when I needed the, That when I talked to them all they cared about was there own problems and there own worries. Everything was about them. I have always tried to be there for them when they needed me. When they called me and wanted to talk I was there, but now when I wanted them there were are they?
Everything has been building up inside me, I have always tried my best to drown on there criticism. I have learn to accepted that I am not perfect that she was better then me in many ways , but how could she called me her friend and then talk to me the way she did . I know I think negative through about myself and I know there are many things wrong with me but why does she seem to find the need to point them out to me? Why does she need to compare herself to me? Was it just a way to make herself feel better by doing this? I seem to just feel like shit sometimes when I am around her and I cant take it any more.
I just can’t understand how we were ever friend? This past Sunday I was at a point where just wanted to break down and a part of me did, a few tears broke free from my eyes and all I wanted to do was to shut them out. To shut everything out, that I just felt like shit, that I was shit . That these few people that I though were maybe my friends weren’t. That all people seem to care about in this world was themselves and how to take advantage of people just to better themselves.
But that is just the way the world is, right? Everyone cares for themselves and only themselves. We are only out for ourselves and fuck everyone else. We have to do what we can to survive and that all there is to it.
All I have to do is push away the people in this world who only make me feel like shit and maybe I will feel better? Or is that just me running away from my problems? I just don’t seem to know any one.
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8 | Can you even hear me?
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[06 Sep 2005|02:41am] |
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mood |
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Fall Out Boy |
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Over the past couple of days, I have been asking myself “why have I become straight edge”. The idea of straight edge first came to me when Angie and Carolina first told me what it was, no drinking, no drugs, and no sex. The idea was pretty simple for me, beside the fact of no drinking. I was pretty much a social drinker. I had just started drinking that year. Hanging out with a crowed that seems to have found it necessary to seek in a bottle of water that was filled with vodka. I soon found myself having to participate with the action of drinking for celebration, after a drama performance at school, then soon finding myself drinking after senior night, prom and gradation. These actions soon become a regular habit for me, finding myself drinking with friends just for fun.
As my life at the time came a turn for the worse feeling myself in one of those teenager drama, I soon found myself drafting from friends at the time to hanging out with a different type of crowd. I become closer with Angie. I saw her as allies for myself, someone that was going through pretty much the same problems at the time. You can say I felt that I had to change my ways so I could be closer to her. In a way becoming straight edge cause she was. Yes that was one main reason at the time.
As I look back on it now , I see that there are many reason for why I stood straight edge, yes she was the reason I become it , but not the reason for why I stood the way I am. As I look at the people are me that find it necessary to drink or to engage them selves in other activity I see that I don’t want to be like that. As I look upon my parent I see it there they are also the main reason I am keeping myself the way I am. Both my brother and father are alcoholic and my mom finds herself in and out or rehab centers. Like now a day I feel as if my mother is having one of her moment of relapsing, weather it be pills or other type of drugs. It just goes to show me that I can’t ever have fat he trust in my mother any more. She never makes sense to me she is not even the mother I once knew. She has lately become another person to me.
My sister use to come home piss ass drunk when she was age, a few times never making it to the door where she would find herself cashing on the stairs from the night before. I see the example my family as to what I don’t want to become. Both my brother and father tell me “ the only way to survive Staten island is drunk” showing me that they hide there problems at the bottom of an empty bottle and I don’t want my life to end up at all like that .
Even though I see hang out with a lot of people that still drink , I never find myself tempted to pink up a bottle any more. I sometimes feel as if I am an outsider to them but I know that I don’t need to drink to have fun. I can always find myself making fun of them, but the friends that expect the fact that I am straight edge and still includes me in there life are my true friends. And with this is just helps me become a better person. I just got to say tht I owe a lot of this to my friend Angie and I always thank her for this.
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2 | Can you even hear me?
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[21 Aug 2005|01:02pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Alexz Johnson ~ Skin |
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Last Saturday the 13 of August was warped tour . we got to Randall’s Island at like 11 AM .but we didn’t get in right away because my friend cousin was waiting on her ticket but when noon hide we are like fuck it , and we left her with the other girl that didn’t have one and ran in , we got the list of bands playing , then we went to Mest , listening to Stating line, Mest got the coward started and we were moshing most of them time]
SP lost cause: [ then came A7X and me and my friend coward served twice, them Hawthorn Heights , where we mosh and pushed our way to the gates , we stood on the gates for 3 bands , the next band that came on was Say a SIN? i think that what it called , the guard took an cooler filled of ice water and threw it on the coward and me and my friend were wearing like color shirts so you can guess what happen, but it felt so good, then SF played and it was fucking insane with all the coward surfs , but it was so worth it, after then played we left the gates and coward surf for Story of the Year .After them was MXPX, we stood for an few of there songs but we really wanted to see Acceptance so we heard over for the end of there set . When they were done we head for Artery where we mosh in the BIG ass circle pit. when that was done it came My chemical Romance , where we and my friend were moshing , but it was so intense that we couldn’t take it so we crowed serve out,.
During the My Chemical Romance set Gerard asked us to do one good deed, you know keep us out of jail so , after they played before we heard to Offspring we found this guy liked passed out of the floor and no one helping him so me and Angie ran and got an cop , we liked saved his life , in the name of Gerard Way.
When Offspring played, Noodle took out a big hose and wet the whole coward again light color shirt but it was so awesome. After that came the last band it was Fall Out Boy, we didn’t do anything until the last two songs, where we had an other big ass circle pit, and at the last song of course I crowed surf out, it was fucking great.
Some of the bands we meet were A7X, MxPx, Acceptance, and Senses Fail twice. When we meet them the second time, Angie wanted to be the last person so she can ask him her 5 question, by the time Buddy already knew who we were and was like “ long time no see”
so here it goes question one was
1) Who dresses your dog? His mom
2) Is “lady in the blue dress” about Monica Lewinsky? Dave: it could be ::buddy looks at him and then back at Angie :: no its not
3) Does Shawn get paid? Fuck yea ::every one of the members pretty much busted out laughing::
4) Have you heard about Shawn my space stalkers? :: his eyes widen and looks at Angie:: ye a… and its you:: Dave ducks under the table laughing and pretty much everyone other member of the band is laughing as well::
5) Are you circumcises? ::he nods:: yes I am ::he raises up and gave us both hugs and the rest of the band pretty much looks at us like we are crazy with smiles on there face::
so pretty much Angie is feared and laughted at by Senses Fail , way to go
well that’s it for now , more later
Count down :
The Used: 10 days
Green Day: 11 days
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1 | Can you even hear me?
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jadedkid's journal
